Reframing disability, living creatively and dating with Denise Vargas

In this episode, Lyd & Liv dive right in with the bubbly Denise Vargas, a fiery Puerto Rican woman from New York. Denise has Spinal Muscular Atrophy, but despite the physical challenges life has thrown at her, she's more determined, positive, and creative than most. What was it like for her to hear she wouldn't live past 10-years-old, only to defeat the odds by a few decades?

We ask: what are some misconceptions that able-bodied people have about living with a disability? And since we're all curious, what's it like having sex with a wheelchair? Denise tells us the story of her diagnosis and gives some examples of how she's lived creatively within her own life, be that her night owl tendencies or constant ability to overcome the odds stacked against her.

You can find Denise (she's a life coach!) at livecreativelyinc.com

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Transcript

Denise_Episode_Final
You're listening
to the Who are you really podcast,
a podcast that features interviews with the captivating people we've met. Live in, I have learned that everybody has a story,
whether it surprises you, shocks you or resonates with you. stories have a way of connecting us, offering new perspectives and acting as a reminder that we're not in this alone.
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I'm your host, Lydia, I'm so much and I'm your host,
Olivia Poglianich.
Welcome to our safe space, no judgment, no egos, all the fields and all the fun.
So pull up a seat, get cozy. Let's dig a little deeper together.
Hello,
today we have Denise Vargas on air. She is a fiery spirit. amazing woman, Denise had a progressive disability that affects her motor skills and movements. Denise is a big personality in a wheelchair and she will be on air today telling us about life with spinal muscular atrophy and dropping some real good truth gems about pretty much everything.
Yeah, Liv and I were totally wowed by her mindset, and how living with a disability doesn't prevent her from living her life to the fullest. She is an entrepreneur, somebody who just you know takes life as it comes and is really passionate about coaching people to help them also do the exact same thing and kind of get out of their head a little bit. She loves meeting new people and making connections at every stage of life, which is something that Liv and I also really fully agree with. So we had a really nice chat with her. She's a 52 year old woman as well. And talking to somebody who has lived a life is also gives you a lot of perspective as well.
Yes, especially when the doctors told her you know, she might not live past 10 years old. So stay tuned to hear some crazy stories about sex and love and relationships and what life is like for Denise.
Welcome to the podcast and use Vargas.
Yes. Hi. Welcome, Denise.
So good to have you on air.
Thank you. Thank you. Great to be here.
Great to have you. How are you doing today? Denise?
I'm doing well. You know, considering the situation that we're this new world that we're living in and crazy new world? Mm hmm. Yeah, definitely.
It's been feels like March 12. Still?
Have you know, where are you calling us today from Denise?
I'm calling from New York Long Island. Okay,
have you been like hashtag staying home? From the exact same place?
Oh, absolutely. I actually, I tell people, I joke around a lot. But I say, I'm not going on to the next scene. Like there's really no reason for me to go out. I have everything I have in here. And replace delivers. So I'm just, I know that New York is getting better. And I'm very happy for that. But I think that with that also comes a sense of insecurity. Because I feel that people think it's better. So they just go out and do whatever they want and wear masks. Right.
Yeah. So have you been outside since the pandemic started?
I went out once about three weeks ago. Um, only because of your necessity. I had to have a treatment done. So I did have to go into the hospital for that. But other than that, it was like, I'm not going anywhere. Yeah.
Is it extra risky for you, Denise. It is I have a you know, a compromised immune system. So I really try and avoid any anybody that's sick or, and sort of, like official question we'll have to kick off with is What's your story? You know, that could be answered in a million different ways. But who are you Denise?
Really? Yeah, well, um, I believe that I am. Very strong willed. I have a disability. So with that, you could either be all whiny, you know what happens happens me That's somebody else, and I'm the only one in my family kind of thing. You could have that attitude. But I've never had that attitude. You know, to me, it's just something that's there. It's a challenge, it could be a big challenge. Oftentimes, it is, obviously, but I feel that we all have challenges. So while my disability might be visual to other people, like you can see it's a physical disability. But I do feel that we do have many invisible disabilities, or challenges that I like to call it disabilities necessary necessarily, because again, we all have challenges. So it might take me a little longer to do something, then it will you guys, but I'll find a way to do it. You know, like, for example, driving, you know, I can't lift up, I can have soda, that's all, it's all balances, but I could drive a 2000 pound car. So I need to tweak it, and find, you know, resources and technology. And we live in a beautiful world, you know, with all his new tech out there. So yeah, you know, you just, you have to tweak your life and make it work for you. You know, and I have a company name, live creatively. And I called it that, specifically, because I want to teach people to find creative ways to do what you want to do, and don't automatically think that you can't do something, you know, there's usually way we just have to find that way.
I think that's amazing Denise, and I, I'm so impressed by how you find that sense of like willpower and strength and determination. And so I'm curious, isn't something that really like comes from, like, internal work on yourself? Or is it something you've always had? Does it come from external things that have prompted you to feel that way? Like, what is it exactly that brings that, you know, that strength in that, that positivity out of you,
I think, I've always had it in itself, people that, you know, happiness is just in my DNA, um, I try to always have, as best of a positive, and to that you can, in any circumstance, let's get real, you're not always going to be positive, you know, you might not always be positive. But just because you might not be positive, on a certain situation, you can have your down days, but really down deep inside, you do have, you know, and it's by choice, yes. You could choose to, you know, cry about a situation, and worry about it constantly, and feel like I can't do this, what's gonna happen, you know, I can't control this, I can't control that, you know, we all feel out of control, but really down deep inside, if you have that inner peace, that happiness, I think that you can really end up coping with anything. And I also think that I get that a little bit from my grandmother, because my grandmother, you know, she was, she was one of the 20s. So she grew up in the 30s and 40s. And she always had to take care of our family. And also back then, you know, we didn't have mandated schooling, the way we do now.
Did she grow up here in the States,
she knows he grew up in Puerto Rico, but even then, there's no regulating of school. So she didn't really go to school much. She had a think about first or second grade education. And then pretty much he started working, taking care of my family. And I think I get a lot from her in the sense that she taught herself to read, I want to say, so she would buy a newspaper, even though she could not read. And she ended up getting herself to me. And then I, once I knew her, in my adult years, I didn't know that sorry, because I've always seen her reading. So when someone told me that she didn't know how to read and so forth myself to be as like one, she always reads. Yeah. So yeah, so that being said, I learned too. Win when people or society tells me I can do something. I feel that Yeah, I can watch me.
I'm gonna figure this out. Yeah. Have you ever had people outright tell you? Like, blatantly like you can't do something? Absolutely.
Wow. I'll go back to my driving. I wanted to drive since I was 18. The moment I found out That there is a car out there that you can drive electronically, with, you know, a joystick and buttons all over the place and computers. I was like, I want that, I want that, I want that. And it took me 10 years to get it because it's very expensive equipment, very, very expensive equipment, and it would not pay for it. Because of the expense. And they kept on me, no, no, no, this one woman, I mean, obviously told me that you it's just so expensive. You can't because you know, your disability, eventually you're going to and she stopped for she was going to say was that eventually, you're going to die. Because I do have a progressive disability. But and we'll get into that later. But um, she was very just a few words short of saying you're gonna die. And when I got to invest, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars into you if you're going to die. But she caught herself. But that made me even more determined. So I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Finally, you know, by some, you know, miracle by God, she was no longer working there in that department. Somebody else is there. And this woman was fabulous. I told her my story. I told her what I wanted, is like, Sure. Let's try it. Let's see what happens. Let's evaluate you. You know, but she didn't say no, to and those are the type of people that we really need in this world. But everyone not we're not just for people with disabilities, but really for everyone. Yeah. Wow,
that's a crazy story. On that note, I think it would be really great to dive into you know, what exactly your disability is, and help explain it to us, and maybe some other people who don't really understand too much and who want to understand.
Okay, so I have something cool, final muscular atrophy. And what that is, is it is a progressive disability, it depends which one you have, and how quickly it will progress. Now there are four different levels. One is the most severe. Usually, children who have that, they usually don't make it past the age of two. So it is pretty progressive. For depending again, on the type that you have, um, there's 123 and four, I have three, so mines progresses very slowly. Um, I should say, my progress happens very slowly. Because now there actually is, you know, I never thought I would see a treatment in my, you know, era. I'm, I'm 52. So I got diagnosed when I was five. And I started walking when I was nine, I had a regular childhood, what normally did all my milestones, normally. But when I was about three years old, I was pull a lot. And my mom would pick me out, you know? Yeah, when you walk in, you're holding amounts here. It was it just picked you up thinking that you just be lazy or what have you. And they told me that you know why you can pick it up and just be lazy, you know, she's doing a temper tantrum for no reason. So, um, she did actually look at me and observe me afterwards. Or my cousins and people and kids. All they all run around, and what should just this, you know, so when she saw me constantly sitting, and just playing in a little corner by myself, she's like, there's something wrong. So at five years old, they find it to be a doctor, they ran a bunch of tests, and they told me I had estimates. Now, each one of them did it at that time. They didn't say, one, two or three. They just said that you had one because I was so young. And that was what I didn't really realize that they were more levels. Okay. And when I was eight, I remember I was in the hospital, because again, my immune system is so shot, that I get sick a lot. I was in the hospital, because I had pneumonia and I heard the Doctor, tell my mom very clearly, they were outside the room, but I heard them tell her very clearly that, you know, has this ability is getting worse. And she probably won't make it to the age of 10. So at eight years old, you hear this and you're like design, and then they tell you which is even worse for her that she'll probably dying for sleep. So you'll be monitoring her when she's sleeping. And I was like, I'm gonna die I'm gonna die my sleep. So as an eight year old kids, first of all, do not like going to sleep Yeah, so you can imagine me eight years old. I most definitely did not want to asleep. completely fair. Yeah. And then
it takes us most people so long to come to terms with if people ever come to terms with it, but you were like, gobsmacked with it right then and there at eight years old.
Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's a hard thing to set your mind around that. Again it but But even now at 52 I, psychologically, I know that this is not true. I know that I suppose 10 2030 4053 years old. So you know, I'm, I'm, I've done that, you know, um, but I still way in the back of my subconscious. Here, that little eight year olds voice saying I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die in my sleep. So to this day, I have a very hard time sleeping. I'm a night owl. First of all, I think, I think why me the night owl because of that. But also, like when I when I sleep, I need to have the TV on, even if it's like very low, but I need to hear people. You know, I can't, I can't be in complete silence in the dorm.
That makes perfect sense. And I think that's demonstrate from that experience when you were a child, right? That to me, pitted me of a childhood trauma. It's really incredible that you overcame that and what was it like when you were 10? And you had that birthday? and 11 and 12? Like, did you reflect back to that time that the doctor? You essentially prove the doctor wrong?
Yeah, I um okay, so funny story about that. Uh, I got my period when I was when
we were just young. It's
funny. Yeah. Lydia has a tampon on her shirt.
Has blood on it? Wow.
Oh, wow. Yeah. So I got my period at 10. No one. Absolutely no one in my family. Again. I'm Puerto Rican, Hispanic, and data and talk about stuff like that. So I wake up with blood all over my seats.
That's a 10. Start.
Yeah. Bruce, anything. It was my birthday was birthday party. I was having and blood all over. And excruciating pain. I'm 10 years old. I'm thinking I'm dying. This is it. I'm dying. You know, because I didn't understand what a period was. You know, no one told him. Don't do that. Maybe between 10 and 13. This might happen to you?
Oh, my goodness. Yeah, you must have. I mean, I even knew what periods were. And I was just telling live, I thought I was dying. Because it the color that came out wasn't the color that I was expecting. Right. Like, I thought that it was something else much more serious. But I definitely didn't wake up to it and have no idea about period. So tell us more about like, did you Then did you keep that inside of you just go to your relatives and before like this just happen? Well, no. Well,
you know, I need help with everything. Like getting up getting into bed. I was a lot stronger when I was younger, because again, the disability does progress wanted progress. Um, but you know, when my mom came in to find out if I'm awake to, you know, help me get out of bed and what have you. And I told her that I'm dying. And then that's when she said no, that she explained it to me. But yeah, you would think that they would have explained it to you beforehand. Um, I just I was just really very frightened. And I didn't even believe my mom. You know, I didn't really this happens to everybody. I was convinced that she was lying to me. And I'm gonna die. I'm bleeding. I'm in pain. I'm dying. I'm telling you that I'm supposed to die. It's done. Oh, wow.
That's got to be another layer to the trauma, right? You're told at eight years old. You're gonna die bleeding everywhere. I mean, I couldn't blame you. Yeah, luckily, it turned out to be a much better story than that.
Yeah.
Were you in a chair back then? Denise.
I was I was not in a motorized chair. I was in a manual chair that you have to put
so that you were jacked.
Yeah. But I love it more. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny that even though I was afraid of dying, no one wants to die. I think I is best really had that extra, I don't want to die, I absolutely don't want to die. And knowing what made me tired, I figured, I'm just gonna eliminate everything that makes me tired, so that I have energy throughout the day to do whatever I want. And I still have that attitude. So when I was 11, I used to walk with braces on my legs. And again, we're talking about back in the 70s and early 80s, the technology was not the way it is now. So braces with very heavy metal, very, very heavy pieces of equipment that I had grabbed onto my life. So I can barely move my body. So now you want me more an additional 10 pounds, you know. So that was rough. But when I was 11, I decided that I don't want to walk anymore. I am much more comfortable in the chair, I have more energy in the chair, I'm able to move around more independently, and I just had more energy, you know, so I told my mom that I don't want to walk anymore. I want to be in the wheelchair. And I think my mom, nowadays that would not be the case. And certainly if I had a child with a disability, that would not be the case. But because
Ah, because of the technology and yet very different.
Yeah. Because Yeah, now the braces are lighter, they are more comfortable. Um, you know, you still gonna have to strain a little bit because, of course, it's a workout. You know, you go to gym, it's a workout, right? You don't always want to use it easy. But it was it's easier now. And my mom allowed me to make that decision. Because I guess in her head too, she has that she's gonna die. Let her kind of be at ease and do what's more comfortable. As long as she can. So she allowed me to do that. And at 11 years old, I just sat in the chair. Um, I got my first motorized chair at that point. Um, yeah, and I was moving and zooming and I felt so much freer, and so much more energetic. So that I think that changed a lot. For me, that was the first major decision as a child that my mom allowed me to make. The second decision was when I was 13. I had made a bank operation, they put you to sleep. Again, technology back then. They put me to sleep for 12 hours. A God operation took 12 hours. So and actually, to this day, no one believes me. But I actually woke up when they were turning me over from my stomach to my back. Yeah, yeah. I remember them turning me. And I kept saying to myself, Oh my god, what if I had woken up before? How are they gonna know? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. worst nightmare. Yeah,
it was strong woman Denise.
Yeah. Yeah.
You can talk if you from like one trailer I saw for I think it was a documentary interviewing people who have woken up during surgery. Like you can't say anything.
Yeah. You can't, you know? Yeah, it was. Yeah. And since no one still really believes me, which is good that they have those documentaries. I'm not I was not lying. But uh, yeah. And and right before the surgery. We all discussed that before the surgery. But literally right before the surgery, when they were taking me from the room to the O R. I, I was final on until that moment. At that moment, I just completely lost it. I was crying hysterically. And my mom said, if you don't want to do we can go home. I was like, No, no, I want to do it. I want to do it. Fine. But I'm like, I want to do it. And I mean, it's at the time. I needed to do it because, um, the scoliosis, the curvature of the spine was pressing on my lawn, which was gonna make it worse if I didn't have the surgery, because that's gonna, again, I don't want to die. So I had to like, This is hard. But if I do it now, I'll live longer.
Okay, yeah. So as always, that was always the thought in the back of your mind. Yeah.
To this day. I keep telling people. I'm not leaving in Psalm 108. On the grid, and it is my favorite number.
So there you go. Eight is a good favorite number, that infinity symbol. Exactly. And there you go. You were eight when they told you this, huh?
Exactly. Yeah, absolutely. Didn't think about that. That's, that's Yeah.
Denise, you say like, so you make these decisions so that you can have, you know, more energy and live longer. So what are these other things that you get joy out of in life? Like,
what?
What is your purpose? I guess, obviously, besides like, everybody deserving to live, but what, what are the activities? What are the things that bring you to make those decisions?
When you say purpose in life, I love that, because I think that too many people don't get to discover their life's purpose, especially at a very young age. Um, I feel that my life purpose has been to really help other people to get out of their mindset of, I can't or I don't know, or what if people laugh? Or what if people judge me or whatever, they always have? I can't because, or Yeah, but and, and I want to try to help get people out of that mindset. And more into the mindset of, what do I want to do? You know, and how can I do it? You know, especially now with, um, me being maybe 52. And having a disability, I kind of feel like, now I want to teach people not done not, don't just figure out a way to live past your physical or emotional challenges. But I think that as you get older, and you start feeling that mortality creeping up on you, a lot of people are afraid to do anything, because if I'm too old for that, I can't do it. Now, if I didn't do it in my 20s and 30s. You know, what rights? Do I have to do it now? In my 50s, and 60s? Well, you have every right in your life, you know, so no one can tell you what to do. You You need to decide what you want. And then if you have a challenge the physical or emotional, or age, just figure out what you want, and how you can get there.
I love that. Jeez, Louise. You're dropping truth bombs,
like no tomorrow.
I guess like you said before, you know, your company is called Live creatively. And you gave us the great example of being in a car and finding a car that was suitable for you to be able to drive and is that that's obviously what you you preach to, to your clients and stuff. I mean, do you have another really interesting example like I loved when you're telling us about the car? Of how you've been living creatively? I mean, every day, it seems like that's part of your mo your mindset. That's who Denise is. Yeah.
Well, I guess the other example of a big move, literally move that I made was when I was born at when I was 25. I decided I want to live on my own. And I wanted my family's home. And now that's my disability. I do need help with everything. So I do have attendance, you know, PCA, personal care, attendance, and my PCs are with me, you know, 24 hours, I have a day person and a night person seven days. So I always have someone with me. But sometimes that's someone may show up late or may not show up. And that is a worry that many people have. And that was a worry that my family had, like, how can you live on your own? What if the person doesn't show up about the cooking cuz my grandmother was cooked. So when I moved out, when I want to move out, they was very, I don't want to say unsupportive, but they were not happy about it because they were fearful that I would not be able to do it on my own. So and, and I guess a part of them thought that this is just awful. And it's not gonna happen. And okay, fine, let's talk about it. But they didn't really, really believe wholeheartedly. Until they saw me packing is all the moving shot. That's when they're like, Oh, shit, she's leaving. Yeah. Yeah. So then I'm moving to my own apartment. And, you know, yeah, I had that. Bit of worry that what if the AIDS doesn't show up? You know, but I quickly got rid of it. Because if I always had that, in my mind, I wouldn't do anything. You know, I don't know how many people out there truly believe in how the law of attraction works. But I kind of feel that a lot of it is mindset. And if you put problems out there, you will receive problems. But if you put positivity out there, and just feel like, Hey, listen, I don't know what's gonna happen. But if something happens, bad or good, you deal with it. No, it's not bad. But whatever it is, don't bring it to you mentally. Because, yeah, might bring it to you physically so
true.
That's such a good mindset.
Yeah, like, I love what you say, Denise about law of attraction, because it's so, so potent. And so, so true. And just like when you have that sense of peace and acceptance and surrender, I think surrender is one of my favorite words, then, kind of anything. That Yeah, like more, once you put in that sense of like peace and gratitude, it like comes right back to you. And obviously, there's going to be like challenges and all this and all of that. But most of the time, then you get more reward.
Yeah, mindset is huge. Like you said, I think that's 100%. I agree with that. focus on the positive or focusing on the negative?
Yes.
I'd be really curious to hear what are your thoughts on like, able bodied misperceptions of people with disabilities, and I know, like the spectrum of disabilities you could have is extremely wide range. But for anybody listening to this, who knows even less about disabilities than we do? Or you can answer specifically to the one that you have? What would be a huge misconception that people have that you'd love to help kind of combat?
Wow, do we have like, a couple of weeks here? Hello, loaded question. There's a lot of misconceptions. I mean, from just basically, they feel that a lot of people feel that you don't have a life, that your life is very sickly, or that you're ill, or they see you as a patient. Yeah, they just see you as a very ill person that you need to take care of. Um, and that's a very interesting thing, because I tell people that I am not 10, I don't need you to take care of me, you know, you take care of a child, you know, you take care of a patient in a hospital, or a facility clinic or what have you. But you do not take care of me, you assist me, you know, you're not taking care of me, because I'm not a child that you need to take care. I make my own decisions. I do everything to what suits me. And when you're caring for someone, you usually are doing things for them before they even maybe want you to do it for them. So Case in point, even though I have our PC as my apartment sometimes is a bit messy. Why? Because you're my hands and my arms and you know, my legs, and if I don't mentally feel like cleaning, or straightening out or organizing. I don't want you to do much it because it's fine. And I want to know where things are. And it's always physically doing it. Then I would put things where I want them. Place. Oh, yeah, sometimes my apartment is a hot mess. But that's we got I don't feel like doing anything. So yeah, people do it. And I've had people say that, a lot of misconceptions that I'll have people say, but they're there. I wanted this sound to do it. Because, yes, I can tell them to do it. But I don't want them to do it. Because then I don't feel like I'm doing it. Yeah, I
can understand that.
Yeah. So that's one thing. Um, another thing is that we don't have relationships. You know, it's like, you're single you're, you've never had any kind of romantic relationship. You know, your, your spectrum of relationships are your family and your friends. And that's it. If you have a guy friend, that's a friend, that's not your boyfriend that you know, you can have, they have a man and you know, I am single right now. But, you know, Corona, but now even before Corona. Yeah, I'm single right now. And it's funny because when I was in a relationship, um, I was engaged many years ago. And I kind of feel like when you're younger, you want the whole romance and marriage and this and then, but I kind of feel like being in this stage of my life. Um, romance. Yes. Mary's maybe not dying, like if anybody else that wants it. But um, I just I love my independence so much that I feel that in a marriage, you have to compromise, you have to take the other person's feelings and thoughts into consideration. And I love my independence so much that the romance Yes. You know, I'm definitely open to that. But I don't think I would want to marry someone, I would be okay with maybe living with someone, I would have to be someone that has to agree to. You're living here with me. Kind of a thing. And that sounds really harsh.
But no, but it's like what you have learned that you want? Yeah, need? And like, have you learned that out of the relationships you've had over your life that like, okay, now I know, I need and want my independence.
Yeah, I'm curious about that engagement too. Like, yeah, and there if you're willing to go down that path? Yeah.
He quite. I want to say a part of it. Because I still can I still speak with this person, every Blue Moon. But, um, so I want to stay that we were just both very young. But this person's still, you know, he still lives with his mom. And I'm not saying that. Because I know that rent is very expensive nowadays. But I'm, like, don't be like, Hey, I'm disabled. And I'm doing that. You know, why? Are you still awake? Is he disabled to No, no, I've never actually did anyone says
he's not disabled. And he still lives with mom. And you figured it out? And he has? Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, I'm on. And he's a couple years younger than me. And, and when I do speak to him, and I hear this, oh, the pain I'm like, Oh, my Fuck, come on. Now. You know, it's like, I'm older than you on cable. I've got things I don't, you know, complain about every minute. So I got it, I got, you know, definitely fit that bullet, you know, so?
And how do you meet people? Denise? Um, I mean, there's so many different ways now. But have you, you know, had a combination of online dating or meeting people in the wild are both a little bit both,
but um, it's really, I think that online dating is better. Now. What I like about the virtual dating, is that you don't waste the time of physically going out to a place and you know, all that energy, and all that, um, nervousness that comes with the first meet in person. I, because, again, that most of the time, when people sign up for a dating site, they, you know, they using maybe they might have a couple of conversations, but generally, they just go out and meet many years ago when I was in my 30s. First of all, I don't let people know over the phone right away. If I'm disabled, and I never have it in my profile, because I'm, you know, how some people have fetishes, like, foot fetish or whatever. There are people out there that have disability fetishes. Wow. Yeah, God. Yeah. So I wanted to eliminate that from, you know, whatever might be out there. So I don't tell people right away. I don't hide it. So in conversation, it will come out. Eventually. I was on match.com in my 30s. And I met a couple different people there. Um, I hit it off with some not so much with some others. But anyway, um, there was one guy that when we were talking about, particularly driving, you know, and I told him that I just because I really just literally had gotten my license, like, the day before. And I was excited. That's a whole nother story I have to tell you. But anyway, so this guy tells me, wait, didn't you say you're in your 30s? I'm like, Yes. And you're just now starting to try and say yes. And I explained to him, why, right. And he actually had dinner with me, like, everybody's, you know, bold in their own way. And it didn't hurt me because it didn't bother me. But I'm thinking wow, if he had said that, and he probably has somebody else with a disability, or a challenge or maybe even a Facial or some disfigurement. You know, I can see him even doing that. Because what he told me was so wait, your disable? I thought you guys have your own dating site? Oh, yeah. So that that was a interesting, I think that now, as you get older, especially like after college, I feel like there's like a sweet spot of when we make our connections are our friends our, you know significant others that we might meet in life and what have you. It's not like when you're younger that you know you're at a playground or you're at school or your whatever, and you're like, Hey, you know, you want to hang out tomorrow, you want to grab a drink, you want to whatever, you know, I think as you get older, people are more set in their ways. So being single and older has its challenges in meeting people, whether it's for a relationship, or any relationship, whether it's a sexual relationship, or whether it's just a friendly, you know, getting to meet new girlfriends even because I think everyone, not everyone, but many people this point in life? Or is that with their close friends, with their significant other with their children?